Respect the Lawn Furniture
by iphooqui
Summary: Rose disrespects Bella's ugly lawn furniture—but not without repercussions. Will she apologize? One-shot. Rated M for language and femmeslash. OOC, AU, AH.


**Disclaimer: Meyer owns all of these characters. I just own their personalities.**

**Summary: Rose disrespects Bella's ugly ass lawn furniture—but not without repercussions. Will she apologize?**

**Rating: M for language and femmeslash**

**This is just something that happened spontaneously. The entire fic is spontaneous from start to finish (except for some errors that were revised when I self-beta'd), so take the random ridiculous shit for what it is, pretty please.**

**Also, this contains some mild Edward abuse. To all Eddie devotees, you have been warned.**

**Oh and there's some leg humping in this as well.**

**One more thing. My best buddy of life, Severus-Toujours, inspired the busting-through-of-foot scenes so I shan't take all the credit. Hey, girl! Thinking about updating soon?**

* * *

><p><strong>ROSALIE<strong>

Sunday afternoons. My favorites. This sounds totally lame and cliché, but I love to grab a lengthy novel and lounge outside on this tacky ass lawn furniture my fiancée dragged along with her when she moved in with me. Seriously, every diametrically opposed chair and that horrendous table make me cringe and vomit a little whenever I come out here. It's like she stole a chair from six separate table sets and constructed the table all on her own—with legs that she also stole from four separate and completely opposite tables. There's a cinder block supporting one of those legs, for Christ's sake. Don't even get me started on the makeshift umbrella projecting from the back of this busted up chaise lounge chair I'm currently sitting on, which, by the way, belongs _inside_.

Needless to say, our backyard looks like pure shit.

Our good friend Alice refuses to even come back here.

It's not like we don't have the money to buy new and, most importantly, _matching_ and aesthetically pleasing lawn furniture. In fact, my mother generously gave us a $500 gift card for a nearby furniture store for no damn reason the first time she flew in for a visit, but Bella promptly and independently made other plans for it. She used it as a down payment for that _outstanding_ king bed set she surprised me with when I came back from an emergency trip to Denver to attend the two-weeks-too-early water birth of my first niece. Bella and I didn't get out of that bed for a whole four days. We had to call in sick.

I'm going off on a tangent.

Bella, for some unfathomable reason, does not want to let go of said tacky lawn furniture. She says it's unique, just like all of the other weird shit she likes to collect.

But I suppose if I am in this for the long haul, I'll have to accept the…_unfashionable _and vomit-inducing baggage. I've already lost every battle and attempt to liberate ourselves from the catastrophe that is our backyard furniture, and, honestly, as long as the furniture _inside_ the house doesn't look like it came from eleven different places and time periods, then I have nothing to complain about.

"Oh, fuck me sideways!" Bella's loud voice disturbed the peace and startled me out of my peaceful me time.

Suddenly, she burst out in hysterical laughter and proceeded to collapse and roll on the grass.

One minute later she was still laughing uncontrollably.

"Mind letting me in on this tickling affair?"

"Whose great-grandma's grandma did you borrow _that_ from?" She managed to get out as she directed a finger towards my sun hat.

My eyebrows furrowed. She can be so childish sometimes.

I decided I was going to ignore her frolics and flipped open my book.

"Aww," she lamented. "I am so sorry. That wasn't nice," her bottom lip jutted forward as she righted herself.

I went back to minding the text on the first page.

"_Rosie_," she spoke softly as she crept towards the end of the lounge chair. "Oh! Did you get your toes done, babe? How _cute_! Now I've got something to suck on later."

I turned to the next page, pretending to be somewhat absorbed.

"Damn you read that fast. Took you like two seconds. You should be done with that whole book in the next 30 minutes or so," she called me out as she inched higher up on the chair.

Oh my God, she infuriates me.

I closed the book and set it down on my lap.

"You know, I came out here to get away from you."

"Is that so? Well I came out here because I missed you," she settled between my legs.

I flung the stupid book behind me somewhere and grabbed the front of Bella's shirt. Just as I closed my eyes and began drawing her close to me for a kiss, I heard a small thud, which was immediately followed by my hat taking to the air. Sighing, I peeled my eyes open and found Bella giggling behind her hand like a five-year-old.

She just popped my hat off.

"Oopsie," she said through her chuckles.

"_Jesus_," it took a great deal of effort to not roll my eyes.

"Well look at the bright side. You look 40 million times better with it on the ground."

"Funny you mention the ground and all of the ugly ass busted shit that's on it—"

Suddenly, something snapped from right underneath us. It all happened so fast after that. The lounge chair sloped backwards and to the right, followed by a second shattering snap that leveled us again for a tenth of a second before the three of us—Bella, the chair, and myself—crashed to the ground.

I screamed.

"You see, my furniture don't like ugly. Don't worry, baby, I'll get you back on your feet in no time," Bella gently caressed the broken chair.

"Get _off_ me."

"What for? This is karma right here! You deserved all of this! Do not disrespect the furniture! _It's older than you are_," she whispered out the last sentence harshly as she scolded me.

"_Unbelievable_."

"Anyway, we were about to kiss," Bella puckered her lips and leaned forward.

"You're pissing me off, Bella—"

"OH MY GOSH LOOK!" Out of nowhere, Bella produced a DVD case. "I've been looking all over for this thing."

"The fuck is that?"

"_Yoga for Stress Relief_!" She read the title with infantile enthusiasm. "Let's do yoga!"

"No," I snarled. "Get up so I can get off of this stupid chair and out of this stupid, ugly ass backyard," I attempted to push her away but she deliberately bore her weight down on me harder.

She _would_ do this.

"Gimme nom nom first," she snapped her teeth at me.

"Get away from me," I smushed her face with my hand. She licked me. "_Quit_!" I wiped my slobbery hand on the chair.

A gust of wind came out of the blue, launching my sun hat into the air.

"MY HAT!" I shouted and managed to escape from under my fiancée.

I chased the hat across the yard but our eight-foot privacy fence stopped me. All I could do was watch as it floated elegantly in the harsh wind before another strong gust sent it high into the sky and far away from me.

"_Fuck_!" I yelled.

As I turned to stomp back into the house, I caught Bella sitting peacefully in the same spot on the broken chair, staring at me.

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to do _Yoga for Stress Relief_?"

I wanted to scream.

On my way to the back door, the back of my dress got caught on a corner of one of Bella's chairs. I figured I'd keep walking and just let gravity bring the piece of shit down to the ground, but as I treaded past with a little extra pep in my step a loud splitting sound brought me to a stop. Slowly, I turned around and found Bella sitting on the chair, anchoring it to the ground and granting it the proper leverage to keep it upright.

"You have got to be _fucking_ kidding me."

"What happened?" She turned and stared up at me with innocent brown eyes. "Oh, no Rose! Your pretty dress has been ripped."

"You and that hideous chair. I swear!"

"Hey that rhymed, babe!" Her eyes darted down a little and a small smirk grew on her lips. "Pink floral panties? I can dig it."

I was suddenly aware of my exposed backside when another gust of wind separated the newly acquired slit that ran along the back of my dress.

In a bout of rage, I reached over and snatched the DVD case from Bella's hand.

"Give me that goddamn thing."

Once I made it upstairs to our bedroom I furiously tore out of my already torn dress and my bra. As I searched for my yoga pants, a tank top, and a sports bra, Bella darted in and poked my left boob and laughed relentlessly at my new floral underpants. Irritated and borderline ready to do something completely out of character I ripped out of those as well.

Bella silenced herself immediately and stared. I watched as her right hand stretched out towards me and I slapped it away before she could touch me.

She gasped in disbelief. I'd never rejected her like this and I felt ashamed. So ashamed that I couldn't even look at her.

"_Well_, then. I can see I am not wanted here," she spoke with a sudden British accent. "Good day," she was sure to make a dramatic exit.

Two seconds later she was back in the room, shooting me the stink eye as she rummaged through her dresser.

"I forgot these," she held up a pair of yoga pants.

As she exited the room she stopped to show me a big ass pout.

It was pitiful.

"No." I held my ground.

She whimpered a little on her way out.

I couldn't _not_ shake my head and laugh a little while I stepped into my tight and stretchy yoga wear. Even though she's nearly 25 years old this big kid shit never gets old for either of us.

I love her little childish ass to pieces.

I pulled my thick waves back into a messy bun and was on my way downstairs. Bella rushed past me in the opposite direction, muttering something about Skittles, shoelaces and toilet paper. I shrugged it off and proceeded to the living room, where I—

"_Jesus Christ_!" I yelled and cowered against the wall when I saw the tiny figure sitting cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor.

"Hi, Rose! Bella said you guys were doing yoga so I came as quickly as I could," Alice beamed at me. "Hope we're not too late!"

"_We_?"

"Good afternoon," Jasper materialized from behind the bathroom door.

_Of course_.

I blinked a couple of times and joined Alice on the floor. The yoga DVD was already in the drive—how it got down here from my bedroom shall forever remain a mystery—and all we had to do was hit play as soon as Bella came back down.

"So where exactly were you when Bella called?" I patiently asked.

"At home," Alice smiled.

"You live, like, an hour away."

"I know."

"Got the yoga blocks and the mats!" Bella showed up and plopped down on the floor. "Oh, and—"

Without warning, Bella tackled me down and dove on top of me to deliver a spontaneous and passionate kiss. She had to have been on top of me for at least a minute, and after a while we had almost completely forgotten that Alice and Jasper were less than a foot away.

"I wanna be on you," Bella paused the kissing to speak.

Ever since she discovered that _Anchorman_ movie she hasn't stopped quoting that Ron Burgundy guy.

It's ridiculous.

"You _are_ on me," I reminded her.

"Your ass is soft," Bella must've been pulling this from her memory because her hands were nowhere near my ass. And considering our current position, it would be physically impossible for her to touch my ass.

"Jas, I think they're initiating a foursome," Alice's sudden voice was like an awful, screeching record scratch in the background.

"NO," I sat up immediately. "No we're not," knowing Alice, she would have started stripping.

"You need to give the dick a chance at _least_ once. You _must_ try it before you get married. Just in case you change your mind."

"No thanks, Alice."

"That was not a suggestion. It was an order," she said casually. "Emmett is newly available. He broke up with that dingbat girl whose name I do not remember because she never had enough food in her house. He is going to be so excited when he finds out about this. Bella, are you willing to lend Rose to my brother for a few hours? Or if you want to join them I think it would make his entire year. That's saying a lot, because it's only March. March 4th, actually. A Sunday. You know what kind of kinky shit goes down on Sundays from all over the world?"

Everyone stared at her.

"So. Yoga," Jasper gestured at the TV.

"Don't start without me!" The sudden booming voice startled me.

Quick and heavy footfalls from above shook my house. We all turned to watch Emmett leap over the entire staircase and land perfectly on his feet at the bottom, but the sound was thunderous and the floor quaked underneath us. I was amazed the force didn't bore a hole into the floor. Just as quickly as his feet hit the hardwood he galloped—yes, _galloped_—towards the living room on his hands and feet. All the while it felt and sounded like an earthquake of magnitude 9 was striking my house.

"Whoa. Your cans look tremendous in that tank," Emmett cocked his head towards me.

I have nothing to say.

I have absolutely _nothing_ to say.

"You do yoga, Emmett?" Bella asked incredulously.

"_Fuck no_!" Emmett bellowed. "I just came for the free food."

"Also, how did you get in my house?" Bella added.

"I rode with Al and Jas."

"You _did_?" Alice seemed to be hearing this for the first time.

"I was asleep in the back."

"How the hell did you get in my car?" She asked.

"I'm hungry," Emmett let himself into the kitchen.

"Is there anyone else hiding in my house?" I asked loudly.

No response.

"Shall we begin?" Bella reached for the remote.

"Wait. I have to use the bathroom. Excuse me, sorry," Jasper blushed.

"I'm coming with you," Alice declared. "We need to finish off what we started before Bella called."

"_Excuse me_?" I gaped at Alice.

"If we're not back in five minutes, go ahead and start without us. Come, Jasper. Do you remember that position that was on page 14? I want to try it in their shower…" Alice's words trailed off as she and Jasper disappeared up the stairs.

"You guys _cannot_ have sex in my house!" I barked behind them.

"Just let it be," Bella said calmly.

"They do that shit _every time_! Why do you always insist on inviting them over?"

"They're our friends," she shrugged nonchalantly.

"So what? They can still be our friends from an hour away in their own goddamn house," I seethed.

"I'm sensing a little tension," she gently took both of my hands. "Let's do some _Yoga for Stress Relief_. Together. Because your stress is my stress. I'm here for you, babe. Always and forever."

Why does she always have to be all corny and sappy when I'm pissed off?

"Because it works," Bella answered.

"_What?_"

Before I could freak out, something else caught my attention.

It was a man.

A scrawny, mysterious man.

He was stumbling down the stairs. My first instinct was to grab Bella and take a few steps back, but then I reassessed the current circumstances. There are, as of late, three visitors in my house. All of which appeared out of goddamn nowhere. It would only make sense that visitor number four, a total stranger, materialized from the same place.

"Who the fuck is this?"

"It's Edward," Bella said offhandedly.

"_Edward? _Like your ex-boyfriend Edward?"

I gave Edward the side-eye.

"Yeah, but he's not the one that was good in bed. That one was Edward Jacob Black. Man he _rocked my world_," she stared off into the distance with a dreamy smile.

I cleared my throat.

"This one is Edward Cullen," she explained. "Edward, this is my smart, gorgeous and sexy ass fiancée Rose and I love the shit out of her."

"Okay," I took a deep, soothing breath. "And why is he here?"

"I invited him to do yoga with us."

Unbelievable.

"What was he doing upstairs?"

"He needed to pee. Did you get lost, Ed?"

He shook his head.

"Oh. He was probably doing more than just peeing. Was there enough toilet paper?" Bella asked curiously.

His face colored a deep red as he nodded.

"Does he speak?" I asked. He was irritating me.

"No. Has it been five minutes yet?" Bella checked her watch-less wrist. "I'm ready to get started."

"I don't think they're coming down anytime soon, Bella."

"Well let's do this!"

"Hey, you guys should seriously think about stocking up on some _real_ food. What is all that organic natural crap you had in y—oh, shit!"

After I heard the earsplitting crack of hardwood underneath Emmett's foot I was too scared to observe the damage.

"Oops. Sorry," he struggled to remove his giant, bare foot from the hole he made in my floor.

"Jesus, Emmett. How is that even possible?" Bella was amazed.

"I don't know," he frowned. "I guess I was just…walking too hard or something. Either that or you need to invest in a sturdier floor. Can you help me out of here? I'm stuck."

"This is the third time this has happened," there was no use in getting upset. I already knew Bella and I would end up having to pay for the repairs. "At _this_ house," I clarified.

Emmett has destroyed the floors in every house and apartment I've ever lived in since I met him seven years ago.

With his bare feet.

"I can't get out!"

"How? How can you bust your foot through the floor but can't manage to bust it back out? Does that make any sense to you?" I asked.

"Help!"

"No. I'm glad your ass is stuck. That way you can't destroy the rest of my house," I stated apathetically.

"You know, babe…I bet if you go outside and apologize to my furniture, all of this unfortunate and strange shit will stop happening," Bella's recommendation was genuine.

I glared.

"Or we can do yoga," she nodded towards the TV.

"I'm fucking bored standing here," Emmett huffed. "You're going to injure my joints! My feet aren't leveled and it's putting more strain on my right knee."

"Then sit down," I growled.

"Or you could just bust another hole through the floor with your other foot," Bella offered.

"For real?" Emmett's face lit up and he rose his free foot to steel himself for another floor-smashing stomp.

Emmett was smart enough to turn to me for reinforcements. As soon as he caught sight of my death glare, his cheeky smirk vanished and he gently and slowly lowered his foot back to the floor.

After a few minutes, Emmett decided life would be less uncomfortable if he sat down. He was not happy. Bella and Edward started playing the yoga DVD and I opted to sit out. I was no longer in the mood.

But I'm always in the mood to watch Bella shift from one pose to another in those skintight yoga pants. I shamelessly stared at her ass whenever the woman on the screen told her to bend over. Even when she wasn't bending over I still stared at her ass. Edward's ass is bony.

"Christ, Rose! Why don't you just bang her already?"

Why is Emmett so damn loud?

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb. I was just waiting for you to start salivating."

"This is my house. She is my fiancée," I said plainly.

"Nobody was telling you _not_ to stare. All I'm saying is you should go rip her clothes off already. You know you want to. It _is_ your house, after all. I'll cover my eyes."

"I have nothing to say to you."

"What? I'm just trying to make your situation better. Your telltale nipples are letting everyone in this room know that you're all wet and hor—"

It's so obvious that Emmett and Alice were both raised in the same house—or zoo, whichever one applies.

Speaking of Alice, her raucous shouting—along with a deafening crash—had silenced us all.

I sighed.

"Sounds like something just broke," Bella looked towards the stairs.

"Fucking animals," I grumbled under my breath and stood up.

I had no idea what I would find, but I already told myself it would take a good bit of money and time to get it all back to normal. It didn't help.

As I climbed the stairs, the commotion directed me to the guest bathroom. This is my house. I am entitled to barge into any room whenever I please—which is exactly what I did.

"What the fuck is happening in here?" My words came out surprisingly unperturbed.

I mildly ignored the fact that Alice and Jasper were stark naked and soaking wet…and that there was water all over the floor.

"Where is my showerhead?"

"We were trying this new position—" Alice started.

"On the _showerhead_?" Now I was slightly intrigued.

"No, not really. I just—I broke it," she confessed.

"I can see that, Alice," I looked to where my showerhead used to be and all of the water that was erupting out of it at full force. "I guess I should call the plumber."

"No, it's okay. I can fix it," Alice said.

"I'd rather you…not don't d—" I was momentarily distracted by Alice turning around and bending over to turn the spigot.

"What's the ver—_dick_?" Bella appeared next to me. "_Wow_," her head angled off to the left as she stared at Jasper.

I rolled my eyes.

"See? Good as new!" Alice proudly gestured towards the hole in the shower that was no longer spewing out water at violent speed.

"The showerhead is still missing," I pointed out.

"Jesus, Rose! Show some appreciation for the little things!" She glared.

"Well, Alice. You shouldn't _ever_ have to worry about appreciating the little things…" Bella mumbled. She was still ogling Jasper. He didn't seem to care.

"So, are you guys here to watch? Join? Masturbate?" Alice asked.

"_No_. You two get dressed and _please_ stop destroying my house."

"But we're not done!"

"I don't give a shit! Go back to your own goddamn house and finish," I pointed at the door.

"Geez. What a cockblocker," she muttered. "Don't hate on something you've never tried before, Rosalie! Dick is a beautiful thing," her voice went up about 49 octaves.

"Seriously, where is my showerhead?" I didn't see it anywhere.

Nobody answered me.

"Fine. Whatever. Fuck it," I left.

I went back downstairs and immediately noticed that Emmett had set himself free and was nowhere to be found. Also, the hole in my floor was bigger. Edward was passionately doing yoga. I popped in the kitchen but saw nobody.

"Excuse me," I leaned sideways to peep between Edward's legs as he adjusted his downward dog position. "Where'd the giant take off to?"

Edward shook his head.

"This isn't a yes or no question," idiot.

He did not respond.

"Jesus. I know you don't speak but can you at least point towards the general direction or something?" I did not like him at all.

Still he did nothing.

I held my tongue. I was so about to cuss him out. I also had a compulsive and dire urge to knock him unstable with my foot.

"Oh my gosh I love you! Rose _never_ does this with me!" Bella shouted from upstairs.

Again I was aware of the incessant pounding and vibrations coming from above me. I peered down at Edward and his elevated, emaciated ass cheeks pissed me off. Without a second thought, I brought my foot to his hip and decked him to the floor with my big toe.

He released a strange, sexual sound.

"Ew," I grimaced.

That was sickening…and a little immature on my part, but I had to take my frustrations out on _somebody_. Who better than my fiancée's ex?

I trudged back up the stairs. I was instantly incensed when I realized the source of the disturbances was coming from my bedroom.

The door was open. When I stepped inside I found Bella and Emmett jumping on the bed and giggling like a couple of children.

"Get. Down." I gritted.

"Aw come on, Rose! It's fun! Try it," Bella summoned me over.

"Emmett McCarty I swear if you break my bed I will strike you repeatedly where it really hurts," I threatened calmly.

"Oh, damn. She'll really do it, too," Bella stopped jumping and scurried off the bed.

"Fiiine, gosh! You ruin everything," Emmett jumped a few more times at the head of the bed before he took a running start and blasted off into the air.

I saw it all in slow motion. Emmett flew and spun in the air, his massive body balled up like a cannon. The wall, however, stopped him from soaring mid-flip, and he hurtled into it headlong. My newly cracked wall trembled upon impact. Another thunderous boom resonated throughout the house as he landed on one of my small dressers—on his head.

I froze.

This can't be good.

Emmett sat up immediately and rubbed his head. He looked at the shattered dresser beside him.

"Shit," he mumbled.

"Are you hurt?" Bella asked nervously.

"Umm. I don't think so."

Alice and Jasper appeared by the door. They were still naked.

"What happened? I heard a crash," Alice peeked inside.

"Okay. That is it. Get the fuck out, all of you!" I hollered.

"Why? What did we do?" Emmett asked.

I told myself to stay calm. He just hit his head. Maybe he doesn't remember.

"You busted a hole through my floor _and_ my wall. You also broke my dresser. With your giant ass head," I reminded him.

_And your sister decapitated my showerhead while having wild sex in my bathroom_.

Emmett stared expectantly, waiting for me to come up with a better cause for giving him the boot.

"I'm not saying it again."

"Rose," Bella whispered. "You _have_ to apologize to the furniture."

"What the hell is with the furniture? Is it possessed or something? I _know_ you didn't bring any demons into my house, Bella!"

"It has very strong feelings. That's why it will never be replaced. We have a strong bond."

"Bella you sound insane," I was slightly worried.

What the hell am I getting myself into?

"Just apologize and all of this will go away."

"So you're telling me if I go outside and say sorry to the lawn furniture then my floor, showerhead, wall, and dresser will miraculously repair themselves?" I hope she realizes how ridiculous that sounds.

"No. No, we'll still have to pay someone to come in and patch all of those back up. But if you apologize, everyone will behave. Or go away. Whichever one you want."

"I cannot believe I am about to succumb to this foolishness," I turned to walk out.

Alice and Jasper's butt naked asses were making out on my floor in the hallway.

I rolled my eyes at Edward still going at it passionately with the yoga as I passed the living room and strode to the back door. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the handle.

"I am better than this. I am only doing this to prove a point," I spoke to no one but myself and opened the door.

Even though my objective was to prove this furniture played absolutely no part in the back-to-back calamities that have been devastating my home, I still didn't want anyone to see or hear me. I made sure the door was closed shut behind me and I looked around the lit backyard like a fool to make sure nobody else was around.

I stepped out onto the grass and took another deep breath.

"Look. Chairs, table, and broken chaise lounge—" I shook my head. I was thoroughly humiliated. "I am sorry I insulted you all. Please forgive me and remove these undomesticated savages from my house. Please. And that skinny ass Edward guy. I promise I will never disrespect you ever again."

Glad that's over. Time to go back to the unhindered chaos.

Before I could advance to the door, I was hit with a cool breeze and a fluttering noise came from behind me. I spun around quickly, bracing myself for whatever was lurking nearby when I saw my hat tumbling gently across the grass with the wind.

I blinked several times as the giant hat came to a stop at my feet. I cautiously bent over to lift it off the ground when another thud startled me upright. I looked out into the yard and spotted my showerhead in the middle of the lawn. Confused, I peered up at the sky.

_The hell?_

After a second or two of standing motionless, I ran inside the house where Bella waited with a wide, welcoming grin.

"Jesus, Bella. You scared the _shit_ out of me," my hand went to my chest.

"I see they gave you somebody's great-grandma's grandma's hat back."

I tossed it on a nearby chair.

"See? Told you," she smirked. "I'm so proud of my baby," she threw her arms around my neck and kissed my lips. "Good girls like you should be rewarded," she insinuated.

"As soon as we get the animals and the scrawny guy out of here—"

"They're already gone."

"Seriously, Bella, what the hell did you see in him? I mean he's cute and everything, but he has no ass…and he doesn't speak! How did you guys communicate—wait did you say they're all gone?" It _was_ eerily quiet in here now.

"I love it when you get jealous. It makes me so horny," she gently scratched my neck. "He's totally gay. I just did it to say I've fucked and dated a gay guy before. That is all. And yes, everyone has left."

"I have nothing to be jealous of," I spoke the truth. "How did they get out of here so fast? Did they all fade away as quickly as they showed up?"

"Just about."

Bella went in for another kiss that started off pretty innocent but after about 15 seconds it became just plain…_filthy_. It turned me on.

"So," she finally pulled away, "what do you say we celebrate your amends with my furniture outside on the table?"

"No," I said firmly.

Not only am I not in the mood for outdoor sex, but I also do not trust the stability of that table. We may be on good terms and everything but I will not try my luck. Not tonight, at least.

"It was worth a try."

"Let me pop in the shower real quick."

"Let's get in the tub. It has been a little while since we hung out in there," she took my hand.

I opened my mouth but Bella shushed me.

"We're just going to play. We can take real showers when we're done," she knows me so well.

"Fine. Since you're twisting my arm."

Halfway up the stairs, Bella and I figured eating dinner first would probably be a good idea. To my dismay, we found _nothing_ to eat. Our pantry, fridge and cabinets were absolutely void of any food.

Even our ice cubes were gone!

"The fuck?"

"I don't understand. There's nothing in the trash can," Bella was utterly puzzled.

"Fucking McCarty. Did he eat the packaging too?" I kept looking in the pantry expecting the food to magically reappear.

"Hmm, probably so. We did have that biodegradable stuff," she mused. "The condiments are missing, too. And the two pounds of raw sugar I bought yesterday."

_Every. Thing. Is. Gone_.

The only edible shit currently in this house is tap water.

"Those furniture gods _really_ weren't playing," I sighed.

"I told you they don't like ugly. Should we call for some takeout?"

"I'm not hungry. Just figured we should eat so we don't go hungry later, but it seems like that's inevitable anyway. I'm totally okay with fucking in the tub and going to sleep, but if you want to eat now—"

"Say no more. But if I go hungry at three in the morning I'm dragging you to the store with me."

"Ugh, fine."

"Let's go."

I had already been sitting in the hot water for at least 10 minutes when Bella peeked inside. She had vanished while I ran the water and missed out on choosing which bubbles and oils to use. Which is kind of a plus because she always ends up using too damn much.

When she didn't move I glanced towards the door and only saw half of her face as I made contact with her one exposed eye.

"Bella what are you doing?"

"I'm being a Peeping Tommy."

"Okay. I'll start without you then."

"No! Wait for me!" She barged through and tossed our old beach ball into the water.

"And what are we going to do with this?"

"Play, duh," she stared at me funny as she stepped out of her robe and dropped into the large tub with me. "I spent the last 10 minutes blowing my very own supply of carbon dioxide into this ball because _you_ deflated and hid it from me."

"Because you kept bringing the goddamn thing into the tub with us. I don't want to play with that," I smacked it out of the tub.

"Ruthless."

"Love you," I replied.

"I love _you_."

Bella stretched back against one end of the tub and I slid in front of her on my knees.

"So if you don't want to play with the ball, then what do you want to play with? Because if I remember correctly, the whole reason we came in here was to play."

She drew up her right knee and her thigh crept up higher between my own.

"You're getting warmer."

"Am I?"

Bella's leg continued to ascend at a teasingly slow pace. Her skin barely grazed my inner thighs on her way up and I tensed and shivered against the tickling sensation. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of her skin gliding against mine when suddenly she stopped moving her leg and started sliding it back down.

"_Cold, cold_," I blurted out.

Damn she plays too much.

"Whew, okay. Thought I had lost you for a second," she heaved a deep sigh of relief and brought her hands to my waist. "I love this," she circled the small hollow of my navel with her thumb.

She tilted ahead and kissed the skin just under my breasts. Her leg had stopped moving up and I split my thighs wider to lower myself down until my pussy settled on her thigh. The gradual downward shift brought my nipples, shoulders and neck closer to Bella's mouth and she licked and kissed everything she could as it passed her lips.

I made a few adjustments and soon I was in a comfortable position to start grinding on her.

"So you're gonna hump my thigh? That is so hot." Bella's fingers pressed down gently on the skin of my hips.

"Not if you talk through the whole thing," I said bluntly.

"Okay fine but let me just say this real quick—"

"_Christ_."

"If you stop riding my thigh, then my thigh will just ride you."

Aww.

My baby is so cute. Even if she is talking too much.

"Okay thanks, Bella."

"And also, if—"

My lips captured hers mid-sentence and, thankfully, it distracted her enough to shut up. I kissed her slowly as my hips glided effortlessly up and down her thigh under the bubbly water. Soon her thigh moved with me to supply additional friction. Bella's lips went back down to my neck and I gripped the sides of the tub for support as the leg humping became more frantic.

I was close—because my loud and heavy moans told me so.

They apparently told Bella the same damn thing because her hands started guiding my hips in circles and I followed her lead. Her thigh pressed harder against my pussy as her teeth grazed the reddened skin of my neck.

"Bella," my arms draped around her neck as my muscles tensed and the climax took over.

Next thing I knew, I was sagging and bearing all of my weight on top of her.

"Thank you," she kissed the top of my head.

"What?" My head snapped up.

_Shouldn't I be the one saying that?_

"For humping and coming on my thigh," she clarified. "I loved it."

I helped her to an upright sitting position and we scooted to the middle of the tub.

"And now we're _scissoring_? Sweet Jesus!"

My hand darted between Bella's legs.

"I'm just _so_ wet, aren't I?" She teased.

My other hand grabbed the back of her head and I jerked her face closer to me. She didn't say another word.

We stroked and played with each other's pussies at the same time and shared deep and rather sappy kisses. We pulled each other in for one-armed embraces and came together at least four or five times before we finally decided to get out.

Then we did some pussy licking and washing up in the shower.

We left the bathroom joyfully spent and ready to crash.

"That damn hole in the wall is pissing me off," I glared.

"Is Emmett's head really that big?" Bella stared intently at the basketball-sized hole.

"Yes," I confirmed. "Why is there dirt on my bed?"

"Emmett was wearing shoes."

"So he just…randomly decided to put them on?" Because I totally remember his bare ass foot crashing through my floor.

"Not really. He saw me jumping on the bed and asked if he could join and I said yes and he ran out for a minute and came back with shoes on."

Wow. Just…wow.

"Work of the furniture gods?"

"No, because I have to sleep on this bed too. They wouldn't make me suffer because we get along marvelously. That was all Emmett. Which makes me believe that the whole food thing was just Emmett too, because my furniture buddies wouldn't try to starve me either."

_Ridiculous_.

"But now that you guys are friends, stuff like this won't happen anymore."

Not really giving two shits about the dirty sheets, I pulled them back and started to climb into our monstrous bed. But before I could really get on it, someone rang the doorbell.

"Who the hell could that be?"

Bella flitted out of the room and hurtled down the stairs. I grabbed my bludgeon and made it to the front door just seconds after Bella had opened it.

"Who is it?" I leaned against the wall and held a tight grip around the handle of my weapon.

"Nobody," Bella stuck her head out and glanced around.

I grabbed the back of her shirt and tried to pull her back in. Bella _would_ step out into the murky night after something like this.

"Oh, look!" She bent over to pick something up off the floor. "It's Chinese takeout!"

She came back inside holding a large brown paper bag with a receipt stapled on the outside.

"Bella put that thing back outside."

"_Vegetable egg rolls, beef chow mein, chicken fried rice, shrimp lo mein, sweet and sour chicken, egg drop soup, large white rice, mango pudding and fortune cookie,_" Bella read from the receipt. "_James and Victoria, 921 Mapleton Drive. Total plus tax $39.83. Prepaid by MasterCard. Thank you for your business_."

"Aren't those the neighbors?"

"Yup," Bella shut and locked the door.

"That doesn't belong to us."

"Well it's not our fault they delivered it to the wrong house," she took off towards the dining room. I followed. "And _left _it behind on the porch, no less," she set the bag down on the dining table and tore it open.

I just watched as she pulled cartons, containers, and smaller bags out of it. It smelled delicious.

"And what is this?" She reached deep into the bag and produced a small envelope from the very bottom. She wasted no time in ripping it open. "Macy's gift card."

"The fuck?" I snatched it from her.

The gift card was worth $300.

"It's for the dress. So you can replace it," Bella informed.

"That dress cost nowhere near $300!"

"Well then, a little extra for something else. Close your mouth."

"Was—is there anything written on the envelope?"

Bella flipped the envelope over.

"_F.G.,_" she read. "See, babe?" Bella pecked my cheek. "Respect the furniture and it will respect you."

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed this nonsensicality. Thanks for checking it out!<strong>


End file.
